I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize