i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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