I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
