i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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