just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
