My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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