she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
