after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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