People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
