end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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