I want to stick my p in your. b.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
