i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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