I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Well I just put wine in my tea
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
