I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
