i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
