i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
