she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
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