I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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