totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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