wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
even my farts smell like vagina
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
