Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
