Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize