She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
