ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
