I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
