Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
