I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
