He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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