my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
ugly people sure do ruin things
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
