If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
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And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
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Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???