Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?