I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
