Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
