Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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