nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
