I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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