I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
