ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
