If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
