I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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