Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
