Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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