Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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