i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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