Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
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ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
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yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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