you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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