Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
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Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
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Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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