You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
