strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Shitshow foam night was such a success
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
