This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
