Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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