I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
