jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
