is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
