FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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