Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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