i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
